listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
