new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
only you would photoshop your dick
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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