Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
