weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
