So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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