Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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