I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
