I smell stomach acid.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
