"it" just moved
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
