apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
