i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
