I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
