He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I think I just sharted jello shots
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