I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
