I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
