I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
