Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
