ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
