I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
