How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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