never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
