booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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