Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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