Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
