I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
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