ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
