she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
