I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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