Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
