Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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