Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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