and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
