God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
