so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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