so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
