I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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