ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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