Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I need to calm my uterus...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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