I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
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