Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
