There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
