We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
