Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
