I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Randomize
