i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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