i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
