all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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