I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
