I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
