Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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